Welcome to the Guilty Pleasuredome: ‘Pompeii’, ‘Winter’s Tale’ & ‘Vampire Academy’ Reviews In the early 1990s, Movieline’s Edward Margulies and Stephen Rebello were the pioneers of entertaining film criticism with their “Bad Movies We Love” column. To read their reviews was a real education for film fans and cineastes alike. They were expert curators of “those big-budget, big-star, big-director, aggressively publicized fiascos that have gone wonderfully, irredeemably…haywire.” No one sets out to make a bad film, but plenty exist for a variety of reasons too involved to list. However, it takes real skill and a whole lot of short bus special to make a “Bad Movie.” As the duo went on to document in their wonderfully entertaining book of collected reviews published in 1993, the best “Bad Movies” must and have to be lovable. For the record, my favorite “Bad Movies” remain such gems the 1959 “Imitation of Life” with Lana Turner, “The Fan” with Lauren Bacall, not Wesley Snipes, “The Towering Inferno,” “The Poseidon Adventure,” the “Airport” films and “Valley of the Dolls.” If I could be so bold as to add a new generation “Bad Movies?” You have to make room for such mind exploding nonsense as Jennifer Lopez as a USC film student in “Anaconda,” which also features Jon Voight as a Panamanian with an accent not to be believed. Or how about the outlet version of “Heathers” known as “Jawbreaker?” And let’s not forget the notorious “Hush” with Gwyneth Paltrow (before she became the face of censored press) and Jessica Lange (before she became the face of menopausal malice in “American Horror Story). “Hush” in particular is so gorgeously bad; it’s practically a drinking game. Take a swig every time a scene changes color temperature or when Paltrow’s wig hairline shifts thanks to the reshoots. Oh the drunken joy, but I digress. 2014 has offered a bit more zircon than diamonds. After sitting through some rather half-baked fare of late, I started to ponder anew the criteria first set forth by Magulies and Rebello. Do these films qualify as lovably bad? You may beg to differ, but I have grown to love the following three films as being worthy of the title, “Bad Movies We Love.” You’ve been warned. POMPEII Yes, “Pompeii” is one big smoking piece of lava rock. So ridiculous is its “plot” you get the sense that Mt. Vesuvius exploded just to shut these people up. Not to be uncaring to one of history’s most enduring disasters, but the eruption in “Pompeii” is when the riotous fun hits overdrive. First you have to sit through a whopper of a narrative involving an imported gladiator known as “The Celt” (Kit Harrington), who bears the scars of watching his entire clan massacred by Romans in the first five minutes. Flash forward 17 more years and he’s now the star attraction in the Pompeii arena, but not before he catches the eye of a senator’s hot but progressive daughter Cassia (Emily Browning). How does he win her over? Nothing says love faster than breaking a horse’s neck. Every so often, director Paul W. S. Anderson (the “Resident Evil” films) reminds you that this isn’t cable’s infamous “Spartacus” (oh, but if only it were!) by showing you some volcanic foreshadowing. Anderson and company add to this boiling caldera plenty of abs, puppy love, revenge and ersatz modern parallels about the perils of a desensitized and debauched society. Alas, much of the “Pompeii” plotting is just a waiting game for the big show. Yet, you will gleefully discover it is Kiefer Sutherland as the nefarious Senator Corvus whose reputation explodes first. Harrington and Browning actually make the film watchable, which is no mean feat considering the overripe dialogue they’re forced to utter. Worse, it is written in that faux classical tone, as if everyone in Italy went to London’s famed Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. Still, you keep hoping that their star-crossed love will burn as hot as the lava flows threatening them at every corner of their digitally enhanced villa. But how can they complete against a volcano AND Sutherland’s acting? His final showdown with Harrington in a mano-a-mano fight that is not to be believed as a noxious hell rains down on them. Only the fury of the god Vulcan can finally shut Sutherland down, but not before he unfurls this classic line of Roman glory to Browning: “You bitch.” It may not be “Dante’s Peak” but it sure as hell gets close to the mount of “Bad Movies” to love. WINTER’S TALE As Kiefer Sutherland proves in “Pompeii,” a little miscasting can go a long way to say to an audience, “Are you not entertained?” Well, as for the Oscar-winning gladiator who first immortalized that line, the answer would be an emphatic “No” for some after watching Russell Crowe’s “performance” in “Winter’s Tale.” But first, what does work in Akiva Goldsman’s romantic fantasia? You will absolutely fall in love with Colin Farrell and Jessica Brown Findlay. The beautiful glow of the 1980s classic “Somewhere in Time” may have been on Goldsman’s mind when he chose to adapt Mark Helprin’s novel as his feature film directorial debut. The natural charisma and warmth of Farrell and Findlay does wonders for this “Tale,” one rife with elements of time travel, flying horses and meditations about the power of love, heaven, hell and the afterlife. It is not a subtle world to present on film, particularly with today’s film economics and a fragmented audience. Yet the romantic chemistry of its leads rivals that of Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in “Ghost,” another film whose specter is found lurking in these shadows. Perhaps in stronger hands, “Winter’s Tale” would have taken flight and not stall every time it begins to gather up speed. Goldsman may have unwisely turned to actors featured in films he wrote with which to surround himself with in “Winter’s Tale.” The results are wildly mixed. An ageless Jennifer Connelly earned an Oscar for “A Beautiful Mind,” as did Goldsman’s script. But her role practically adds up to an extended cameo, charged with saying what we’re all feeling, “What’s happening here?” But that pales in comparison to the two people who will turn “Winter’s Tale” into a cautionary tale about casting friends in key roles. Will Smith, who starred in the Goldsman-scripted “I Am Legend,” repays the favor by showing up here as a post-modern Lucifer. Wearing a T-shirt with either Jimi Hendrix or Lauryn Hill on the front (I couldn’t tell), you will understand why he chose to be unbilled. Yet, he can take full credit for dumping a massive bucket of ‘WTF?’ with a hammy performance that elicited laughter from my screening audience. While you debate whether “After Earth” was Smith’s worst moment on screen to date, prepare to be interrupted by the sight of full-frontal Crowe. Leaving no set or co-star undamaged, Crowe demolishes this tender romance as a vengeful demon (literally and figuratively). He dials up the acting to “maximum,” as if Goldsman, too, was powerless against his “talent.” At times you wonder if Crowe even knows what movie he’s in. Boasting an Irish brogue so broad (which turns hilariously Slavic at one point), you’d think Crowe escaped from some twisted Lucky Charms commercial. It is a near-destructive performance, one that dares the Academy to take back Crowe’s award for “A Beautiful Mind.” But thank God (or whoever) for the lovers known as Farrell and Findlay to bring “Winter’s Tale” down to Earth just in time. VAMPIRE ACADEMY It may be too late to enjoy the pleasures of “Vampire Academy” in theaters, but keep it in mind for its home entertainment release. Of the three films listed here, “VA” is the best and most consistent of the bunch thanks to the “sweet sassy-molassy” appeal of stars Zoey Deutch and Lucy Fry. I get the sense that The Weinstein Company didn’t trust its hiring of writer Daniel Waters (“Heathers”) and director Mark Waters (“Mean Girls”). These brothers know their audience and their way around prospective cult classic material. Or perhaps they, too, experienced fang-fatigue and just weren’t up to the task of creating another edgy teen dream with quotable dialogue for the ages. “VA” may not have the bite of their previous efforts, but los hermanos Waters still know where to draw enough blood. It is actually a disservice to spell out what “VA” is actually about, as it possesses the quintessential young adult tropes of young vampires, really cool names for vampire clans and affluent vampire living. It sounds cooler to call it the anti-“Harry Potter” without the Merchant Ivory casting department. However, it does center on two teen girls trying to outrun their respective positions within vampire society. Instead, these mentally bonded BFFs discover they can only reach their destinies by returning to the confines of a private “vampire academy” and reconcile the demons of the past – and other monsters associated with adolescence. Much of what makes “VA” work is the sensational Zoey Deutch, who knows just where to drop the laugh bombs when the plot begins to wobble. Also, her chemistry with co-star Fry is a tangible one, reinforcing the girl power themes. Add the wild card of “Modern Family’s” Sarah Hyland as the Tai of vampires (i.e. “Clueless” reference) and you have the basis of a good time. (You don’t want to miss one classic exchange about comparing the blood loss between being deflowered and experiencing a first kill!) Sure, every hungry actor to ever pass through the CW casting office surrounds these girls. And yes, it desperately needs a fashion montage to really seal the deal. But, after years of witnessing the leaden “Twilight” films, here is one vampire epic that sparkles with talent. Stick around for that last bit of “cray,” a closing scene that ties up a loose plot thread for the sequel that will never come. Just get a bottle of Boone’s Farm and pair this up with “Beautiful Creatures” for the ultimate “Bad Movies” win.
